I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
