Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
