Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
