I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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