evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
