Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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