Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
3 2 1 whiskey
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
