i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
