my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
