Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
