I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
