i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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