maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
