Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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