True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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