The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
