Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
