I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
