Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
