i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
