True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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