Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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