You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
