Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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