We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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