We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize