I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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