I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
i now understand why vodka
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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