I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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