Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
