I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
