I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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