Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
