Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
