turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
