Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Semen is not good for contacts.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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