This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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