I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
