absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
