The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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