So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
what day is it and did you see me today?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
