I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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