Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
