hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Couch. On fire.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
