Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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