I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's just like the Real World with babies
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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