Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
