the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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