I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize