Screwed.edu
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
