Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
