i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think my moral compass just broke
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize