he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
