I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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