I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
