i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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