i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
