If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize