So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
