I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
