I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
