Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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